Letter to my son's father.. concerning him thinking he's being so smart.. as to not give his son his birthday present, all because, his son decided to spend his birthday.. the way he wanted to..
Dear Dumbass:
I spoke with K-Man last night, he informed me of your decision of not giving him his birthday present , that he instead has to earn it back.
Showing a child his birthday present and then not allowing him to have it, just because you are upset at him, is pretty rough. With his foot surgery, K-Man has been through an awful lot lately and many of the things he likes to do have been "taken away" through no fault of his own.
He made a poor choice, to which he has apologized for, but you basically just taught him that you don't forgive. And that your love is something that is earned, not given freely.
He shouldn't have to earn your love or your forgiveness.
As you certainly can attest, being a parent is about the ups & downs of raising children. Sadly, he will disappoint you from time to time, either with bad grades, lack of judgment, immaturity, or speaking w/out thinking. This is all part of growing up and we will continue to work with those issues as they come up .
K-Mans view is that you don't trust him, nor forgive him for his mistakes.
If you expect K-Man to meet a certain level of expectations, you will have to assist in reaching the levels you are setting. A gift is just that.. a gift, and children are gifts, to be cherished..
On this line is the women in your life... I was trying to get K-Man to open up the evening the two of you showed up, however K-Man doesn't feel he can speak to either of you, because you hold things over his head, and because you don't forgive, and get upset with him when he doesn't attempt to explain how he feels.
However, The women in your lifes condecending tone can be upsetting to him as are the little guilt trips about not coming and visiting. She is always complaining to him about him not coming up, or not calling . But K-Man says that he has to stay in his room in the mornings until either of you are out of bed and that it is cold because the heat is never turned on .
The comment was made by the women in your life the evening you two showed up, " that the two of you refuse to entertain K-Man. " Granted, he can find things to do on his own, however he comes to visit YOU, to spend time w/YOU... things do need to be done w/him... talking to him, playing a game, watching a movie, he is 13, doesn't always make the correct choices, and still does need some supervision.
Last concern.. your Mother.... I realize your Mother is his Grandmother, however, if she does not cease on the religious talk and the "damning" aspects of life, she will push K-Man so far away, he wont ever want anything to do with her. As is now, he doesn't even like to spend long periods of time w/Your Mother due to her preaching at him. When I try to speak to her about this, I make no progress . So.. its up to you to handle that ... or.. she wont have a Grandson, not because of me, but because K-Man doesn't want to hear it.
She is not his mother, and therefore, it is NOT her responsibility to inject religion into his life.
I continuously tell K-Man to use his words w/all three of you, but he continuously explains to me, that he can't. He doesn't feel you listen to him, nor does he feel that you would even take anything he says into consideration. He has feelings, he has thoughts, he has opinions ----He is now a 13 year old boy.
Instead of making him feel guilty for not spending HIS birthday with you, feel appreciative over the fact you have a son, who does want to spend time with you and make the most of it .
I wrote this not to start an issue but simply because your son was hurt by the actions of the last weekend--it is important to me that we give K-Man the best life he can have and teach him the best values we can.
Its been a tough end of year with the foot surgery--I am trying to keep his spirits up the best I can, and hope you will assist with that....
Your Bitchy Ex (as Im sure that's exactly what he will take from it)
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6 comments:
Gosh I'm sorry for Kman. He doesn't deserve that crap! Thank God he has you!
Excellent letter. I hope that the ex got the point. I agree with you on many points, especially the part about the dad needing to grow up and stop being selfish.
One thing on the "Holy Roller" situation... in my limited experience, there's very little that can be done about those who confuse religion with a club of merit and exclusion, or some other fanatical zealot nonsense. Even if your ex comes to his senses, his mother's faith and conviction may not allow her to come to hers.
~D~ - Thank you for your words.. I feel lucky he has me too and not just his "father"
~DB~ Sadly, his father wont understand it, the letter is above and beyond him.. to much pot smoking in the 80's has fried his brain..
and this letter was the 3rd one that I wrote.. the first one was nothing but bad words and slams
2nd, less bad words.. and just a bunch of dig's at him
and the 3rd.. much better..
You are correct on the religious zealot... as I have tried to talk to her time and time again, I realize her intentions (in her heart) are for the best.. but.. Im not into relgion.. and my kids can figure out what God they want to worship when they become of age!
Just popping in to see how you and your kids are doing.
Oh and to say "HI"
:-)
What an asshat. Fortunately, K-man has you and that's good enough. Does his father not realise that you only get a short time with your kids anyway before they grow up and get on with their lives? She sounds like an asshat too. My condolences.
I always relate to your stories of your ex. My son, now 21, has not talked to his dad in probably 3 or 4 years. His dad said some words to him that can never be apologized enough for and my son is a stubborn one.........he does not and will not forget. Some men are such idiots. Do you ever wonder what fog you were in when you choose the father of your kids? I consider my choice of my children's father my biggest life mistake. My second biggest life mistake is that I did not leave him much earlier than I did, and lived in a fantasy land that it was better to have two parents than just one good one.
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