Monday, February 26, 2007

Monday Memories

Since I was overwhelmed w/work on Friday I wasnt able to post.
And since my weekend was overwhelming I wasnt able to post.

This post is a tad graphic.... Im not proud.. but.. it's the truth..why lie!?

Monday work load is overwhelming.. but screw it.. Im gonna post!!!

As ya'll know, I was quit the fucked up teenager! Sex, Drugs & Rock n Roll..
it's what I did.. it's how I lived my life.. it's who I was.

When I was 15, I was dating a guy named Scott... well the time I was dating a few guys.. there was Scott, and then there was another Scott.. and there was Rick.
yes.. I was a slut.. I slept w/them all...We would drink... we would fuck.. we would pass out. ( I didnt do them all at the same time, Im not that much of a slut)

Then... I got pregnant...I had no idea who the father was, and I told each of them that I was, and that there were 2 other guys in the running for Daddy hood... .. Scott the 1st... wanted it to be his so badly!!! He had our lives planned out,
Scott the 2nd... freaked out, and ran away...
and Rick, did a little of both... he freaked out, how was he going to raise a child, he was living in a boys home, and had no home of his own. But, after the first few weeks of shock, he came around and decided it would be "cool" to have a kid. HA!!!

I was 15 for gawds sake, what in the hell did I know about being a Mother?
I was living on the streets, I was strung out, I had no job, I had no home I had nothing!!!

I like to believe that God intervened. Because, I was about 9 weeks along.. when I started cramping & bleeding. I called my Father, whom I hadnt seen or spoken to in weeks.. maybe months.. explained to him what was going on (he knew I was pregnant because my Dr had called him and told him even tho she wasnt suppose to, but she did, because even tho I was a lost fucked up teen, my Dad still loved me and would check up on me the best way he knew how)
My Dad called the paramedics and met me at the hospital.

I miscarried... and found out along the way that I had other dark, nasty issues that Im so embarrassed about that I cant even write about them. Needless to say, I was in the hospital for 4 days. Then was informed that there was such severe damage to my uterus & fellopian tubes that it was extremely unlikely that I would ever have children.

At 15, being told your never going to have children, really isnt all that earth shattering.
During those 9 weeks, I had started to get used to the idea of having a small wee one to care for.
I was starting to love what was not ment to be.
I wont say I was devestated.. I will say I was saddened.
But, in the long run, I look back and think to myself that God did intervene (or whatever higher power that exists) understood that I wasnt ready, my body wasnt ready, my mind wasnt ready.
I was in NO shape to care for another life. I couldnt even take care of myself, how was I suppose to care for another life?

Scott the 1st.. was so disappointed about the miscarriage, he tried to talk me into trying it again and having a child...
Rick.... oh my Rick... that's a whole different post.. in fact.. that will be Friday's post :)

I went home for a breif period of time after my hospital stay.. But I shortly returned to my wayward life.

I thank those higher powers that be, that I did finally get pregnant and carry to full term twice. Luckily it came later in life, I dont believe anyone is truly ready to bring a life into the world. No matter how ready you truly are, you are not prepared for anything.
My first child's birth was a nightmare.. for me, I know there are those out there that sadly had much worse births. Anytime a parent has to watch & wonder if their baby is going to live thru the night is a nightmare. My son was in the NICU unit until he was just pass 3 weeks old. But, Im happy to report he's 13 now, alive and kicking, and getting older and draggin me w/him!!!
My second pregnancy... she was happy and healthy..even tho the little bugger tried to come out at 28 weeks!!! So bed rest for me.. but.. she's 10 now.. who thinks shes 25 and knows EVERYTHING!!!!

I thank those higher powers that be, for not allowing me to carry to term when I was 15. Someone or something was looking down on me and realized that that baby wasnt ment for me.. maybe the forces took that babies soul and put it into another mother who was ready to care & love a child. ( I know kind of a weird thought process)

So.. anyhow.. yeah.. that's all I got.. I thought about it over the weekend.. and realized that It would of been the end of Feb that that child would of been born.

Ok.. that's it..


The Dung Beetle said...

I know you're not proud of your past... but speaking as a person who once made incredibly poor decisions in my youth, I'm impressed and inspired by your candor.

It takea a strong person to put their blemishes under a microscope instead of rationalizing away every transgression. It takes an even stronger person to cast a spotlight on them and say, "this is me... and this is who i use to be."

I don't think you're bragging or gloating at all. I just think that you're strong and brave, and I admire you.

"T" said...

I agree...

it's not easy to write these things out.

You are doing a great job.

Barney said...

Thank you both..

First.. This is me.. all the dark sordid details.. No..Im not proud of bits and pieces of my past.. but.. the past is what made me who I am today.

Would I change any of it?
Honesty, If given the chance, I think there are few things I would change.

Ahhh...I feel another post coming on...

Thank you all for reading..
and giving me your support is this time of re-finding and remembering me.

April said...

Events of the past can't help but shape who we are, who we have been, and who we will be. And I know that deep inside of me, locked away in a corner, there's still a little bit of that wild girl hidden, dying to get out every now and then. Just for a minute. And thank God, that we grow older and wiser and keeping her in check becomes even easier.....
And ditto what Dung said