Friday, February 09, 2007

Friday Memories

Ive decided that every Friday I will re-live an old memory from my past.
Some may be entertaining, embarrassing.. or having you think..WTF????

So.. Here we go...

Many Many years ago.. I was a really wayward teen. I didn't know my ass from a whole in the ground.. and gawd forbid if any authority figure attempted to tell me what to do, how to do it, or where to do it.

When I was 16, I made a decision to drop out of school, and hit the streets, mind you, I had been on & off the streets since I was 13, but when I was 16, I decided I was done w/parental guidelines.
So.. bye bye to comfort, hello to sleeping in cars, missing meals, no showers, and dirty clothes. Why? All for a man. I say man, because he was 23... so..not mature himself, yet, 7 years older than I. Jim... he was my all back then, he gave me comfort when I felt I wasn't getting it from home, along w/a lifestyle that I thought I wanted to be a part of.

Jim was my everything back in those days... what ever he said to do.. is what I did. So... one sunny summery day, he and I.. S & J.. decided.. to head to Eastern WA... and live like nomads, and just be.. we had an old beater car (how that P.O.S. made it over the pass..I have no clue) we went, landed in Richland, and decided to live outta the car on the Columbia River.
Oh.. it was gorgeous, warm weather, freedom.. oh the smell of freedom!!
Little did I realize, what was to come next... ownership... oh.. the acid smell of ownership. Jim decided, he owned me.. he decided that I was his.. he was my master. I was to do what he said, when he said, how many times he said to do..whatever it was he wanted me to do.

He never laid a hand on me, he never said a cross word to me, at least, not in the beginning, he always told me I was his everything, I was his all. He would tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful I was. However, if I was to talk to another male, things would turn ugly. What little personal possesions I had with me, would be ripped apart and destroyed. How those times broke my heart, and tear me apart. I never realized what he was doing to me, emotional abuse is the rawest. Little did I realize, he was ripping me apart from my past, so that I would forget my family that I walked away from. So that he would become my world. Little by little.. he did become my world..

Dont get me wrong, I had some great times on those river banks...S & I would drink, and dance, drink and dance. We promised each other we would always be there for each other, no matter what would happen, our friendship would last the test of time... thank the lucky stars above, our friendship has lasted, and to this day (20+yrs later we are still very close)

We met many a cool people that summer, S & I gave each other homemade tattoo's w/needles, thread, and indian ink.. we smoked to much weed.. and drank to much Nighttrain. We laughed under the pale moon light. Crazy things, we should of been children of the 60's..but... we were children of the late 80's! Jamming out to Def Leppard, Poison, Skid Row, Metallica, and whatever else our portable stereo would play for us.

Finally, I think reality started to set in w/all of us. Jim started getting mean, cross words were starting to be said. The occasional slap, to keep me in line, to show me he cared was his reasoning, and that I needed to pay attention. Then, the night came.. when finally I decided it was time to go home
But.. I never made it home, I ended up.... in Los Angeles California...
To this day, Im unsure of what he gave me to keep me asleep all that time, I remember bit's & pieces of the road trip..but not much, he wanted me to myself.. w/no one else around.
So.. he stole a car, put me into it, w/the help of another guy he met along the way. And off we went.. into the wild blue wonder.

Los Angeles... WOW!!!!
He left me alone in a hotel room.. where he got money for that.. no idea..
I had an Aunt & Uncle who lived in LA.. I called.. they picked me up.. Thank you..
they saved me.. for a brief period of time.. they saved me.
I bounced around Cali.. LA... to Torrence.. to San Fran.. Hayward.. Castro Valley..
finally home.. back to WA.. where my friends and family were..
Back to those, that loved me.. back into the arms of love.

I found salvation, in Community Youth Service (another post.. )
then.. 6 months after being home, and finding myself..
I look up from my table, and who do I see?
he's back.. I was told later, I went white, I stopped breathing, started shaking
and then passed out.. right in the middle of the yogurt shop. Cold as could be..
Gone!!! took them forever to revive me Im told.

I steared clear of Jim as much as possible, but word was out, he was looking for me.
Word was out he was a man on a mission, and that he was telling everyone he would find me
and I would be his again. That things were different, his family straightened him out (as they lived in San Diego) and that he was a new man, a better man.. and he wanted to prove it.

Seriously, at 16.. what do you believe? Who do you believe? What do you choose? Who do you choose?
I made a choice, right or wrong.. I made a choice.. finally I agreed to see him, and listen to what he had to say. The man I fell in love with once upon a time, stood in front of me, his crop of curly brown hair, his piercing blue eyes, looking at me once again.. like I was his world.. his all.. his everything... and I fell in love all over again!!!

I was off the drugs, he was off the drugs.. ahhh... but.. we still drank(some habits are hard to break..LOL).. but.. it was so much different this time.. we were fun again.. no bad words, no hits, no nothing..
everything was good.. we dated for 2 more yrs (so much happened in those 2 yrs).. then when I turned 19.. I decided.. it was time to get a life.. a home.. and he decided... he wanted to go back to drinking & druggin..

And I moved on.. turned my life around.. got off the drugs completly.. and cleaned myself up.

Ran into Jim from time to time, and everytime I did, it would break my heart a little bit each time. To see how he was deteriorating. But to see that face, his eyes, his hair, and that smile, always warmed a small piece of my heart.

He finally did one to many drugs, and OD' in 2000. When he passed, a piece of me passed with him. Because regardless for all that he and I went thru, he had a huge part to do with a piece of my life. A piece of my history that I would never change. We had our bumpy road, we fixed it, and things were so much better. I will always miss my friend.

Every Friday I will post some memory.. there is so much more to tell of Jim..
so many good times that he and I shared..
so many other times that I had w/others..
some of those days are still very blury for me, as I blocked out alot and face it
I was strung out on multiple forms of whatever to pass the time that it's really fuzzy..
Please dont judge, unless youve walked a mile in my shoes



Weekends Off said...

Oh! I came to tell you WATCh Grey's tonight- it repeats on Friday' least it does here!

Now I'm gonna go read the post, I didn't want to forget what I was gonna say lol

Weekends Off said...

No judgements here sweetie, all that you went through has made you who you are today and you and I have a lot more in common than I thought!


- Stacey - said...

Thanks for sharing your memories and experiences Doll. I look forward to Friday's now for your memories and WO's confessions. =)

"T" said...

That was real and raw.

Thanks for sharing. We ALL should do a little more of that.

Excellent post.

The Dung Beetle said...

You have no idea how spiteful I am, do you?

I don't like being told what to do, so I'm going to judge you anyway! Hah! Take that! I'm judging you right now! Mwahahahaha!!!

I think that you are very courageous to share such an intimate part of your life with us. I'm impressed by, and grateful for your candor.

I judge you to be an awesome person, and sentence you to a continued online friendship.

May the lord have mercy on your soul.

April said...

What's to judge? For so many, so much life has passed by without a single dance on a river bank. For some in life, there is a time and a place for such a dance. I believe it gives greater insights into understanding people. Not all have lived fairy tale lives.

Weekends Off said...

Happy Valentines Day Barney!!!