I have so many memories running through my head this morning, getting preparation of today's post. As I stood in the shower this morning thinking about days gone by, I made the decision (in a lack of caffeine induced state) to start at the beginning. Well.. today anyway, I reserve the right to change my mind. Cuz, well I can!!!!
So.. sit down, and grab a cup of coffee/tea/vodka.. whatever your little heart desires, and lets take a stroll down my memory lane.
1982 - I was 10, and thought my life was pretty secure and set in it's ways. My Mother was a god fearing, church going fanatic. I'm not talking your basic run of the mill church, I'm talking, no birthdays, no Christmas, no Easter, no Holidays. No NOTHING. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness. Complete with door shacking, week long gatherings, "meetings" 3x a week. I was only allowed to consort w/other JW children. I wasn't allowed to watch the smurfs, as mom said they were little blue devils (???????) I wasn't allowed to say the pledge of allegiance in school, I wasn't allowed to participate in any of the reindeer games... sorry.. had a Rudolph moment :) seriously tho, if we had a Valentines party at school, I had to go sit in the office, or Easter party, Christmas party.. whatever.. I was the only JW in the school.. which in turn, made me the FREAK!!!
My father was not a JW... he was as rough as they came, from my little girl eyes. A biker, who had some seedy friends. How my mother and him ever made it 22 yrs in marriage I will never understand, they were as opposite as night & day. I vaguely remember my dad in those early years. I knew that there was a man living in our house, who didn't have much to do with us kids, because my mom had us so brain washed. Whenever he would attempt to intervene, dear ol' Mom would step in and take charge. My brothers state that they remember alot more of dad than I do. Maybe it was because he was closer to the boys because Mom didn't become a JW until right after I was born, so my two older brothers had a relationship w/dad prior to the JW world kicking in. That, and the fact I was a girl, he had NO clue what to do with a little girl.
Dad lost his job due to down sizing w/in his company, so he took a new job, and our family decided to make a move to Aztec, New Mexico. Now, let me set a picture for you. I moved from a small city with local bus routes, walking to school, movie theaters, the hustle and bustle of city life. To a one horse town, 30 miles from the nearest mall (not that I did the mall scene often I was only 10) We moved to a house in the middle of absolutely no where, off of Old Route 99, it was a 45 min yellow limo ride to school. The sign into town said something like "Welcome to Aztec, population 600 and 6 grumpy old men" I met one of those grumpy old men, he made me cry when I was 11 from door shaking.. yeah.. what a culture shock.
My parent's marriage slowly deteriorated once we moved to Aztec, my parents arguments started getting worse and worse, and my father started drinking more and more and more, and staying out later and later and later. Mom started relying on her faith more and more and more, my brothers started becoming more resistant on going to "meetings", and if my memory serves me right, dad finally stepped in and said enough was enough, mom could take me, but the boys were allowed to live there own life's!
My oldest brother got married at 18, had his first kid at 19, second at 21.. and that's a whole different story. My other brother.. I'm not really sure what he did during those 3 yrs of living in Aztec, he was my nemesis.. and he and I didn't have alot to do w/each other.
Jump forward to when I turned 12, Dad decided he was going to have something to do with me, and since dad was an avid hunter, he decided that it was time for me to learn the rules of gun safety and to kill my first deer. I was so excited!!! I was finally going to spend time with my father, who by this time was a shadow in my life. I went thru gun safety class, passed it w/flying colors ( I could out shoot any of the guys in the class) and my first hunting trip w/my dad and my brothers and 2 other friends of my father came all to quickly... my life changed forever on that trip.
We setup camp, we ate, dad started drinking, the guys all decided to play a card game called bullshit. I got to play too.. but the one rule, was.. I actually had to say bull shit!!! me.. the good little JW girl, got to swear.. I remember I was so embarrassed. I thought that the heavens above would open up and a lightening bolt would come down and kill me on the spot. But it never happened. Towards the end of the game, I was yelling bullshit.. BULLSHIT!!!! and I think I even copped a little buzz... because I kept taking swigs off my dad's beer when he wasn't looking. AAAHHHH... my wayward days started early!!!
The next morning, we got up early and went tracking. Didn't see much, but that fateful day will be etched in my memory banks forever. The boys went in one direction, dad's friends in the other, and my father and I, were alone... Together.. just he and I. Finally, after 12 yrs on this earth, it was just me and my Daddy. What else could a girl ask for, but time with her Dad.
We tracked, we walked, we waited. We saw deer, moose, birds.. but nothing worthy of me showing to my dad that I could shoot Bambie.
What I remember most tho... is walking down that old logging road, with a 30/30 slung over my shoulder. The sun just rising over the valley, birds waking up, the grass still dewy from the fog. My father looking at me, and saying. "Barney.. your mother and I have decided we are going to separate. We no longer love each other and our lives are going in different directions, I'm moving back to Washington w/your brother B and you and your mom will follow later. But, her and I will be getting a divorce, I felt it was my responsibility to tell you"
I stopped in the middle of that road, and just stood there staring at my father.. seeing the sun rise behind him. Me, 12 yrs old, in my flannel shirt, hiking boots, a 30/30 slung over my shoulder. Thinking to myself............................................................................................................
It's about damn time!!!!
He asked what I thought, if I had any questions..
I looked at my father and told him... Good.. you two are not meant for each other.
Little did I realize that day sealed my fate. It opened up a whole new world for me. As the coming years would bring new friends, bad friends, new & bad experiences into my life.
Little did I realize it was an awakening for me. For me to spread my wings, step out from underneath my Mother's faith and to learn who I truly was.
Little did I realize, that fateful day would turn me into a drug addict!