Tuesday afternoon, the sun is shinning, I hear the lawn mowers out side
the wind is a bit chilly.
I have nothing to write about. Im full of so much doubt lately. My negativity has blossomed to the point of hatred. I hate those around me, I hate myself and I need to change that. Was it the dull days of winter that brought about all the self pity and gloom? Is it all that winter fat that I have gained? What is it? Why have I become so negative? My life isnt bad. It's not perfection either, but hell.. after all the things Ive been thru, all the roller coaster rides Ive put myself thru.. I have survived.. and I will continue to survive. Maybe the difference now is the fact that I have two small wonders looking up at me looking for direction, council, guidance, & love.
Part of me feels so empty and hollow, like I have nothing more to give. I have nothing more to state, nothing to feel, that part wants to curl up and just wither away. To be left alone. Allowed to wallow in my gloom and self doubt, and yet there is a larger part of me that wants to break free, be recognized, loved, cherished, accepted. I want to dance and scream at the top of the mountain.. but if I do dance and scream what will the village people think? Will they laugh and point and call me names? Will I be forced to run away? Why do I care what others think of me?
Their is anger too, simmering under the surface like a caged animal. I can feel it attempting to lash out, it takes all my strength to keep it rained in. Why is it so powerful? The red hues' are on the fringes of my vision. The anger will cut and tear pieces of me away. To the point of mass destruction. It will wreck havoc among those not able to with-stand the evil. Lashing out until there is complete caos. Then what? What will become of those around me if I allow it to escape? Currently it's festering, and will boil over at any time.
What will become of me?