Friday, November 02, 2007

Insane in the Membrane

boy child update:
I left work yesterday and had an impromptu meeting w/the principle.. he wasn't able to get an officer to come to the school to talk to my child.. I know huh... what kind of police do we have??? But between the principle and myself we did find out that there is a program thru the local juvenile hall called "At risk youth" we have an appointment today at 3. My son however thinks he is being put into juvi this afternoon.. and I ain't telling him any different!!!
He was P E R F E C T last night.. OMG.. he cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, started a fire, folded the laundry.. all with out being told..

Yeah.. that's what I said, all with out being told..

As I was sitting in my chair, watching some tv.. he crawled into my lap.. told me he loves me and that he's truly sorry.. and that he will turn things around.. I looked at my child, and literally felt my heart snap in two.. but.. I had to stand strong.. be firm.. I said that words mean nothing.. actions speak louder.. to prove to me that he will change, because it's not to late.. and I have complete faith in him to do so!
So.. we shall see.. everyone cross your fingers that the young punk snaps the fuck outta whatever he's in!!!

*****subject change*****

As I was driving to work this morning, I was taken back in memory to a time long long ago.. well to a few times long long ago..
I was just barely 18... getting engaged for the first time.. to my high school sweetheart. (Yeah.. first time Ive been engaged 4x..explanation to come) we were so in love, but seriously who knows about love at 18? I remember Valentines day.. 1989 - he brings a briefcase out of his house, get's into my car and tells me to drive out to old military rd... we get there.. the moon was full and bright, the air was crisp & clean, and I swear you could hear the wolves howling in the background. He pulls out the briefcase and opens it, and puts a table cloth over the hood of the car, a candle in an old green bottle, a bottle of champagne, and two champagne glass's... as we are both leaning over the car.. he looks at me, tell's me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and asks me to be his wife... I said yes.. I'm not gonna tell you what happened after that, I'm sure ya'll can figure it out..
a few months later, he left for college in Arizona... and I freaked out... I started doing meth again, day in and day out.. it was the only way I could control my emotions.. and then.. I started seeing someone else (my son's father) when my "fiance" came home, cuz he was kicked out of school.. I ended things with him.. and he befriended my best friend at the time.... little do I know, she was madly in love with him. Her and I worked together, I remember the day that I found out they were dating... we were sitting on brk, and she was talking to me about him, but not telling me his name, just this guy this.. this guy that.. I figured it was a huge blow up between us, she broke that unspoken cardinal friendship rule, never date your BF's ex.

To make a long story short.. I got over my hatred, because seriously, what's more important.. good friends, or some guy? The best part was, I was a bridesmaid in her wedding to him! I was 6 months pregnant w/my second child, and parts of his family was completely blown away that I was there.. the bride and I had great laughs at that!!!! We've lost touch over the years... but found memories are still there.

My second engagement... was just assumed... we had a child together, so we assumed that we would get married.. My son's father.. We had been together for awhile, I was 20 when I got pregnant..just barely 21 when he was born.. he was in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) for 5 weeks after birth.. right after he came home.. his dad left to move to another state for a job, I was suppose to follow.... after he left for unknown lands I came to the realization that I didn't love him and had no desire to leave everything and everyone I knew. So..I made the phone call that would end everything. I hate to admit it, but it wasn't a huge loss to me.. maybe to my son.. but not to me. I mean, wasn't it better for me to be happy than unhappy?

My third engagement:
Oh wow.. where to start.. Mike... I met him via my mother. He worked for her, and he and I struck up a friendship first.. nothing more.. we would talk for hours on the phone, and when we were able to get together, it was like two best friends. Then one night things took a turn of events and we found out that we were more than just friends. With in a few short months I had finally found the love of my life.
He cherished me and my son. He treated him as if he was his own. His mother even made my son a Christmas stocking. It was beautiful. I had a 1/4 marque cut diamond on my ring finger, we had the date set... we had the invitation picked out, the down on the hall, we had everything ready to go. Our Mothers got along (well for the most part..LOL) we were dress hunting..
He was a weekend warrior.. meaning, he was in the Army Guards, and he had gone away during the summer for a 2 week retreat.. when one morning I woke up.. realizing... it wasn't ment to be.

As I layed in my bed, watching the sun stream thru the window and listening the outside world waking up. I realized, I didn't love him as much as he loved me. I realized that he deserved to be happy with someone who could return that love. I realized that I couldn't go thru with a marriage. I realized that I needed to cut him free.
So I did... I walked away from him... and allowed a piece of my heart to go with him.
That broke my heart, letting Mike go.. to this day 12 yrs later I miss him and I wonder what would of happened, how would my life would of turned out. I wish I could find him. To apologize. To see him one last time and actually say goodbye. We didn't split on good terms. But who could honestly blame him. I still think of him fondly.

I had a brief interlude w/my neighbor shortly after this... a rebound thing. But.. he pulled the "I love you" right out of the gate. No sex was had between he and he was saving himself for marriage (admirable huh) I got scared and ended that really quick... which was hard too, as he lived directly across from me.. so we would see each other alot.. but.. it was for the best.

My fourth engagement:
For those of you that have been reading my blog.. you know who this is. My daughters father...
The man I fell in love with.. is NOT the man of today.. the man I fell in love with no longer exist's. Let me tell you about who he used to be.
He was funny, charismatic, intelligent, trust worthy, dependable, loving, kind, considerate, strong... he was all that I had ever wanted in a life partner. He asked me to marry him on Christmas eve.. 1995.. I said yes.. and w/in an extremely short time.. my world changed.

At first it was there were subtle hints, words that ended up having a lasting affect. Words that I didn't realize until to late were so cutting. Then the hands. At first it was just a grab of the arm to pull me to where he wanted, to do what he wanted...when he wanted, how he wanted. Then there came the sexual "guidance" I will call it. To perform how/when/where.. no was not allowed. I was segregated from friends and family. I was emotionally and mentally put down. My will was bent to his liking.

It took me 4 long years to realize the hell that i was living in. The day came when I woke up and became strong. Some of it's still to painful to re-live. To think about all that happened would bring back pain and memories that I don't wish to re-live.

The brain is a phenomenal thing, the things that are locked w/in could scare your average person. My own personal nightmare. Its almost as if part of my brain knows when to release a memory. Knows when I am strong enough to accept and handle it.

I understand why I released 2 of my engagements.. my second one.. I didn't love.. I realized that..
My fourth.. was NOT ment to be..

I think I released my first one because it dawned on me that I was to young..
But.. why did I release Mike? What truly was the issue?
I did love him. Well, I loved him as much as I was capable of loving him. I probably.. could of.. loved him more over time...

I guess all this makes me wonder.. do I know what love is?
Can I accept love when it's given to me?
What am I afraid of?


Carmel Beauty said...

Your situations are so similar to mine it's scary. Right now I am with STBH and I know that I love him but things keep happening that make me wonder if he loves me and if maybe we aren't meant to be. Right now I am so confused everyone always says you will just know when it is right. If you happen to found out what love is let me know please.

Barney said...

All I know about Love is that it's a 4 letter word that is so easy to say, but has one of the most complex definitions in the english language.

There are so many different types of love. Theres mother-daughter love. The love of a child, the love for a friend. Love for a son, father, grandfather, Aunt, Uncle..

But the love for a significant other.. I have NO clue how to tell if it's truly love..

Im no help huh???

Weekends Off said...

I wish I had all the answers...Who knows what's "true" and what isn't? I do think that what's true for one person won't work for another.

I didn't love K as much as he loved me. At first. My love for him has did grow though. K isn't "my type" at all. That's why I had him on the "Friend" burner for so long. But, after having someone tell me "you know, everything you are looking for in a man is right under your nose" I made myself look at him differently. I talked with my grandma about him. She told me she wasn't in love with Grandpa when she married him, but she knew she cared a lot for him, and that he'd make a good husband and most of all, to him, the sun rose and set in her eyes...she said he had enough love to go around the both of them. She said she didn't know when it happened, but she did fall madly in love with Grandpa over time.

So I let myself love him, and I took a chance and let down my guards and before I knew it, I meant it when I said I loved him.


I am so glad you son has had an eye opener, and that you are still sticking to your guns and giving him some tough love. You are doing a great job IMO- and scared straight sounds like just what he needed. I hope and pray it's all he needs and that the lesson will be learned before he learns it the hard way. xoxoxoxo

The Bizza said...

Perhaps you fear losing your identity in a romantic relationship? It's a common occurrence.

I heard someone say that if love were predictable or quantifyable it would lose all of it's magic. None of us have the answers, and that is as it should be.

I adored my ex-girlfriend... my love for her was powerful, self-destructive, and dangerous. I know she loved me back, but her fear of commitment and her need for variety doomed our relationship.

When Bookie and I met, it was a casual thing that slowly grew into so much more. 5 years into our relationship, I adore her and can't imagine my life without her. And even with that said, there hasn't been a single day that I haven't found myself thinking about my ex-girlfriend at some point.

I'd love to meet and pursue a friendship with my ex, but I won't because I think that fostering a relationship with an ex that I still love would be wildly disrespectful to Bookie. Does my love for my ex diminish my love for Bookie? I think not because love isn't quantifyable. Love is just love.

Ozfemme said...

You're doing the right thing for and by your boy. He'll come through this. Good on you for standing strong (but isn't it terrifying at time??!!)

I also admire your ability to look back and open things up like you do. I can't do it so I have great admiration for you for being able to.

April said...

Barney, Barney, Barney--having a 22 year old son and 20/20 hindsight there are so many things I wish I had done differently when he was 14 or so. Lord knows I love that kid. And things have a way of turning around, and he's a good kid. So my advice, for what it is worth, in my hindsight of things I wish I had done differently: Known whether or not drugs were influencing were behavior. And if so, found some sort of treatment and made sure he went. And counseling. I would have found a male mentor for him. Someone respectable, who has made it in life, yet a man who could relate. I wouldn't have been to proud to ask male acquaintances to include my son in a ballgame, to talk to him about becoming a man. I would have demanded that the school test him for learning disabilities way before I made that demand. I'd learn about options for him and I. I'd call every resource that I could and ask for help. There is so much at stake. And as a mom, no matter how great of a mom you are, there are some things in life that for some reason our sons learn better from men. When he made poor choices, I should have started to pick his friends for him. I should have dressed him in dorky Walmart clothes instead of baggy Echo jeans. I would be the 100% no tolerance, no nonsense Mom and set a better example by not letting him see or be around drinking (that would have included putting my foot down and not letting him go to his dad's). I would have found more activites and made him become involved. Maybe volunteering at the juvenile courts, serving soup at the missions on weekends. Something.

You're on the right track.......just be tough and don't forget to ask for help.