Its been 3 days.. since my cry fest.. 3 days to allow myself time to heal, to move on, to think.
Not nearly enough time to obtain any answers, or to figure anything out.
However.. w/in those 3 days.. things have gotten easier.. there still is a dark shadow over my heart.. but, I can see rays of sunshine bursting in... I will be ok.. I will over-come.. I will be me again.
For years I walked around with an icy coating.. w/ice so thick that it would take more than just icepicks to chip it away. Stick of dynamite probalby wouldnt work either...
I froze myself off from so many "oppurtinities" after my last "relationship" I swore to myself that I would never put myself or my children thru that hell again.
Here I am... years later.. thinking to myself.. Can I?
Can I allow all these emotions to run? Can I allow myself the oppertunity to find happiness?
Happiness? possibly.. Love? No...
I read in a magazine this morning sitting at the dentist office for my kids cleaning appointment (oh..and there were NO cavaties found.. Im such a proud Mamma)
"Connecting with your soul mate isn't a matter of luck, but requires allowing yourself to feel worthy of unconditional love. Your life partner probably isn't identical to you, but rather someone who shares common values, allowing you bring out the best in each other. Keeping an open mind and a willingness to accept change is the key"
Sitting here thinking about that.. makes me think.. is there really such thing as soul mates?
Can I feel worthy of unconditional love?
To be able to spend my life w/one person, who accepts me for me.. doesnt expect me to be someone else. To not have to change my way of thinking to bend to him?
I dont believe it's a possibility.. I dont believe that there is someone out there for me..
Which is why I cant move forward in my life. I still believe in those words that were uttered to me so many years ago.
"You will never find anyone for you, you will never find someone who loves you as I do, You will never be worthy of anyone else's affections.. you belong to me"
It took me 4 yrs to walk away.. but emotionally, Im still tied..
That power is still there, no matter how much I pretend its non-existant.
I still give him the power to control.. even tho I refuse to be controlled.
It's an on going battle that I wage between my heart/soul & mind..
There still is a piece of my heart that belongs to that long ago nightmare, even though I KNOW in my heart we are better off w/out him.
My mind is strong... my soul is healing..
My heart has a hole in it..
I think part of my heart wants to feel love... part of my mind.. has found it.. but my soul wont accept it..
My soul wont allow what could be. Because it was my soul that had to carry me so far before.. That had to stop me from cutting away the pain. It was my soul that had to pick up my heart & mind... correct the damage, and push forward...
So.. how do I get the 3 back into order.. to co-exist w/one another?
Oh no... Ive given myslef a headache!