Monday, March 17, 2008

My heart hurts :(

I cried for the first time in months yesterday morning.
I cried...
I actually cried..
My heart hurt that bad...

Did you know, that it's really hard to drive a car with tears running down your face.
Visibility is awful!
I dont cry...
I rarely ever cry..
My Daddy always used to tell me that it's a wasted emotion and doesnt solve anything.
Action's solve your problems.. Not tears..
But yesterday I cried.

I took a weekend trip.. just me.. no kids.. and I drove to Idaho.. 5 hrs one way..
to see old friends..

the night before I left.. I saw him..
and my heart swelled.. and yet I was scared.. because I could so easily.. just crawl right into him.
I could fall.. so hard.. that I may never find "me" again...

There were about 10 of us.. laughing, eating, drinking, enjoying each others company.
Old friends of mine.. some that I hadnt seen in years..
and him..
He was married to a good friend of mine... they are no more..
as the night progressed.. people left.. or crawled into beds, and went to sleep..
we talked..
for hours.. just he and I...
about the past, the future, the now.. emotions, current situations

then he asked me.. if he could kiss me..
and he did..
and I have never felt like that before..
when his lips touched mine, I melted... my breath caught..
the wolrd tilted.. and I realized.. then and there.. I finally found him...
it felt that right :)

It probably was a mistake.. to attempt what came next..
we ended up together.. laying next to one another.. enjoying the feeling of skin..
when these words are spoken..

"I cant"

I told him it was ok..
Just lay down.. get some sleep.. relax..
That it could of been a number of things..
1) to much alcohol
2) no attraction
3) just not ready (he had been seperated for just over a year.. w/out any activities)

He said the attraction is there.. he finds me intimidating, because Im so beautiful..
he never realized how beautiful I was, because he wasnt allowed to look.. or really get to know me..I am the most beautiful person he knows...

I chalked this up to drunk talk..
I waited for him to pass out..
and went downstairs to the couch.. and slept.. for 45 min
he shows up.. curls up on the couch w/me...
and falls asleep...

hrs go by.. It's time to leave..
tell him Im leaving to make my 5 hr drive home..
gives me a little hug.. and rolls over and goes back to sleep.

I get in my car..
and I cried..
I cried half way down I-90
I cried...
My heart still hurts
I think I may cry some more

I tried to talk to him yesterday..
via txt
they were so formal

I cried some more

Finally talked to him last night.. I didnt sayanything about how I felt..
the subject was actually never brought up..
Never mentioned..

He talked..rambled really.. almost as if he was nervous..
talked about his plans.. for the year..
He included me in on alot of those plans..
Introductions need to be made w/me and all his friends..
Camping, ocean trips, trip to Cabo, weekends that need to be spent together

As friends?
Or More?
I didnt ask..

I dont know what it all ment..
5 hr trip really is alot of time for a mind to think... and think... and think..
scenerios to play over & over & over.
Decisions to be made.. and changed...

I dont know where we stand.. Im not sure if I want to know..

I dont even know what it all means... ???

I guess.. I should do what comes normal.. bury everything..
and go back to where we were..
and call it good..

not two steps back..
I need to go a whole block back..
and remain Me.. otherwise.. I will get lost again..


The Bizza said...

Damn... I don't even know what to say. What a surreal moment. I remember that pain. For me, it was a wonderful, terrible, and terrorfing feeling. I have felt that wonderful, terrible feeling only twice in my life... even felt it in my fingertips.

I know it's small comfort, but I totally empathize with how you're feeling.

Krystal said...