Wednesday, March 05, 2008

L.O.V.E

Many years ago I fell in love, with a man who was my everything.. he was the reason I was put onto this earth to breath. We would have great conversations about the future, where it would take us, what we would do, how to get there.. there was nothing to stop us, as long as we had each other. He was the reason why the birds sang, rainbows arch over the sky and everything was right in the world.

Until reality smacked me straight in the left eye.. and my world became a dark rainy, thundering night, and lightening streaks that nightmares were made of.

Fast forward 12 years.. the only reminiscences I have of him, is my daughter... I say "MY" daughter because I'm the one who has raised her, provided for her, supported her. Gotten up in the middle of the night with her, disciplined her, bandaged her, guided her, swatted her butt. She is mine.. not his. Always and forever mine.

He was never there.. when we found out I was pregnant.. the nightmare began.. It's when the most harshest words have ever been spoken to me.
"Your getting an abortion"
I should of known at that time I was on the doorstep of Hell.
I should of known at that time that my life was about to take a drastic downward spiral.
But.. Love cures all.... right?
No.. Love makes you blind. Love makes you stupid. Love turns you into putty in an abusers hands.

I try not to dwell on all the negative.. in some cases I wouldn't change much of my past.. If I had never of met up with him, I would of never had my daughter, if I would of never met up with him, I would of never realized how strong I could of been. If I would of never met him, I would of never over come my fear (at the time) of being alone.

The reason I bring all this up, is because he just called me.. at work..
to tell me that he's found God.. and that because of God, he has found it in his heart
to forgive me, for leaving him, in a snow storm, on the side of the road.
To also tell me that he loves me, and he's sorry for all the things he's done to me over the years and how I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he wishes he wouldn't of screwed it up all those years ago.

He's sorry for telling me to get an abortion
He's sorry for slamming me up against the wall when I was 7 months pregnant.
He's sorry for spanking my son so hard that he left bruises
He's sorry for segregating me from my family
He's sorry for screwing around on me and getting that other chick pregnant
He's sorry for stealing from me
He's sorry for selling my only car out from under me so he could buy more drugs
He's sorry for lieing to me, cheating on me
He's sorry for never supporting "our" daughter
He's sorry for never acknowledging her
He's sorry for walking away from her
He's sorry for attempting to kidnap her
He's sorry.. he's sorry.. he's sorry

He hopes that I can find it in my heart to forgive him...
Well you know what.. I can.. I can forgive
I can find it in my heart to forgive him..
I will also thank him for giving me my beautiful daughter
I can thank him for making me realize that Im a hell of alot stronger than I EVER gave
myself credit for
I can thank him for teaching me how to respect myself..
I can thank him for bringing me closer to my family
I at least can thank him for teaching me that forgiveness is one of the biggest things you can
give to another person.
Just never forget.. because once you forget, the cycle can start all over again.

I forgive you..
I hope that your life finally turns itself around, I hope that you and your family finally find each other and forgive each other.
I hope that you can forgiveness in your own soul..

Oh.. and let me know how this whole "God" thing works out for you.
God found me years ago.. I walked away from him.. what's amazing is how he continues
to support me, acknowledge me, and understand me... regardless of all the mistakes I make..
and regardless of how many time I curse at him..
You dont need a church to tell you how to pray.. or how to worship.. what you need is to actually allow him into your heart.. and your soul..
Im still trying to do that.. but he knows I still need him..
Hopefully he can do the same for you...

12 comments:

Krystal said...

Wow. I just said a prayer for you.

Barney said...

Thanks Krystal..
we all need prayers from time to time..

Ozfemme said...

Love and light to you Barney.

(That's not "God" he's found... it's a hook he can hang all responsibility for his bad behaviour on.)

"God" is in moving on and living better.

Barney said...

Femme.. your right..
he's using it as a crutch..

He just clld again..
it's amazing how all his problems and all his issues he bestows onto others..
He NEVER takes ownership..

I do hope he moves and.. and lives better...
Just with out me!!!!

"T" said...

Best. Post. Ever.

Carmel Beauty said...

Wow something to think about I will pray for you. Single mothers have it hard and we def have to stick together.

The Bizza said...

I co-sign with Ozfemme's comment.

But the God Stuff notwithstanding, it is always good to find some form of closure to a difficult relationship.

I don't pray much anymore, but you are in my thoughts.

April said...

Forgiveness is a powerful high, so I'm glad you can forgive him. It just sounds to me though since he's called twice or so, that he's trying to get back in. Some things in life are meant to stay in the past. Forgiving brings peace but to forgive one doesn't need to allow him back in.
And isn't it funny how you can look back at love with eyes that see so much more given the passage of time?

Weekends Off said...

You are a bigger woman than me for even being able to forgive. I haven't reached that level yet.

Hugs to you, you are always in my prayers.

Amorous Rocker said...

Good for you for being able to forgive him. Even better for you for being a strong woman and learning so many positive lessons from your experience.

I hope your ex does move on and do better for himself and just leaves you out of any of it, lol.

I'm not religious in a conventional way at all. I'll have you in my thoughts though darlin'. Be well. =)

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