Monday, September 15, 2008

Winter Cleansing

For years, I have kept believing I needed to try to be better than others. I kept trying to make myself appear better than others. In reality, I'm no better than anyone... I never seriously thought that I was better than anyone, but I did think I am better than some.. yet.. that's what I finally realized one night, I sat in my living room, in the middle of the night, depression hanging over my head, I was forcing it back, not allowing it to seep into me.. it hung over my head like a demon cloud, I could feel it's cold fingers trying to grab at my soul, trying to gain entry into me. Trying to wrap itself around me. Whispering to me to let it in, to allow the self-doubt, the worry, the coldness, the dampness to take root & to grow. To fester.
The battling of wills...

Which "will" is stronger.. the will to fight & to survive?
The will to just allow the demon to take root. To fester... to grow... to destroy all that Ive worked so long and hard to gain?

I worry... continuously..
I worry about what others see, what others think: About me.
How do they see me? Do they see me as successful? Do they see me and say, I want what she has. I want to be her. I want her accomplishments. Her dreams.
Ridiculous I know. Because, I have nothing. Because to me, having that house, that nice car.. those are accomplishments. Those prove who you are. Those prove you have everything.
In reality.. those things are nothing.
and yet....
You don't define a person by the car they drive. You don't define a person by the house they live in.
So why did my thought process go that way?
I can blame society, the movies.
I can blame my father.
I can blame my friends.
But honestly the only person I can blame is myself. I allowed others to form my opinions.
I allowed others to dictate to me what I had to have in life to prove who I am.

I live in an apartment. I drive an old jetta.
What does that make me?

I don't have the best clothes. I shop at Walmart
My children don't wear name brand items.
We don't have all the fancy gadgets.

All at once, the light seeped thru...
The realization that, there is so much more to life, than the house you live in..
the car you drive... and what the important things are...

What I have, is more precious than all of that..
What "we" have...
is a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs
clothes on our backs
shoes on our feet
beds w/warm blankets to sleep in
hot showers
a car to drive
dogs to love
Most importantly...
we have each other

Does it matter that others see me and think... wow.. she doesn't have anything.
She's a loser
She cant buy her kids all these "things"

But.. I realized, sitting in my front room, in the middle of the night
listening to the silence & the whispering...
I have something so many do not have...


Four letter word.. with such a huge definition

I have love in my home...
I have laughter in my home...
I have happiness in my home....
I have.. what so many people want....
I was just to caught up to realize it...
yes.. we fight..
yes...we argue...
but, it comes back to love & to laughter..

I would be nobody.. and I would have nothing..
if it wasn't for the love of my children....

I pushed that demon of depression, away and out..
I sat in silence..
I listened....
to the peace.. the quiet.. the serenity...
And I realized.. I have everything I need.. right there.. within my walls...
with in my shelter..
I don't "need" anything..

I have:


"T" said...

That was really, really good.

Much appreciated.

janice said...

awesome post, it gives us all something to think about.....

Amorous Rocker said...

I love this post. I think it's one of the best things I've ever read. Very well done. Love is something that can't be achieved through brand names, fancy cars, expensive houses, trendy restaurants and all of that other crap. You have so much more than many other people do and it's far better.

As for the TMI post for my blog, send me an email. It's invite only and I'll need your email to send you the invite. I thought I had contacted you about that already but I guess not. :/ Silly me.