Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Realizations Part 1

Do you ever sit back, look around at what you have and think to yourself, it's just not good enough?

I was cleaning over the weekend, decided to do some much needed deep cleaning. I sat down, and realized, damn I have a lot of shit. How can one person, who has no money to buy frivolous stuff, have so much frivolous stuff?

Then I realized that part of my unhappiness, is because of how I perceive myself. I'm so busy trying to keep up with the Jone's that I didn't realize I was making myself so miserable in the process. Ok... So, my couch & chair arnt from Macy's. My t.v. is a hand me down, my kitchen table is a hand me down. My entertainment center is a hand me down. Ok Ok.. the majority of my stuff is a hand me down. But you know what.. oh well.. does it truly matter?

Being raised as a Jehovah's Witness, one was taught not to worry about materialistic things. Yet, as the years went by, and I left the JW world.. I totally became the person I most detested. Materialistic.

Never happy with what I have, always wanting what I cant have. Never content with the few items I did have, wanting the bigger, better more expensive item. Why?
I thought long and hard about this all weekend... and the realizations I came up with, did not sit well with me. I dug into me... who I am... and some of the answer's that I came up with, flabbergast me... terrify me.... bewilder me... make me sit back and go OMG.. that's who I am?

So.. over the next few weeks.. I will be digging deeper into my sub-conscious thoughts.. Those thoughts that I push at bay because I refuse to really hear them. Think about them... accept them.. These are the thoughts that make me who I truly am.

I never realized how out of control I am... I never realized that I'm just a shell walking around, performing how I think I should be performing, and yet, I'm not a good person.

How do I become the person that I need to be?
I will figure it out.. sit back, grab some coffee,tea, Diet Coke (Weekends) and well, this may get boring.. but hey... I need to do this for me!


April said...

You know Barney, us Washington nearby blogging folks should grab a coffee together some day.

Weekends Off said...

Well I'm sitting here toasting your new path with my ice cold Diet Coke!

I need to clean out a bunch of stuff myself, we are seriously going to scale back our living starting with a new but smaller apartment once our lease is over in a few months. I'm excited! I never thought I'd be excited to "live within our means" but really, the idea of it now thrills me. I know it'll be hard but I'm looking forward to the payout in the end...security!!!
And learning to be happy with what I have.

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