Thursday, September 25, 2008

Hazy Memories

I woke up this morning in a foggy haze, I dreamt last night, which isn't all that interesting usually but I dreamt of days gone bye, and long ago times.

When my only worries were the simple things in life. Where my next fix was coming from. Who was I going to get to buy that bottle of 20/20 for me. Where was I going to lay my head down that night.

I dreamt of walking thru a train tunnel, walking from the sunshine into complete darkness.
I dreamt of walking along the train edge. Only it wasn't a dream. It was real. I was there. And I lived it.

It was 1989 - the year the big San Francisco earthquake happened. My mom was living in San Fran at the time. I remember walking that train tunnel, hearing the train whistle coming. And thinking to myself.... maybe the train will just take me... maybe the train will smash me into little pieces and I wont have to feel anymore.

But, I wasn't that lucky.. or maybe I was that lucky...
Jim grabbed me as that train came barrelling down upon us.. he grabbed my hand and yanked me back out of the way. He smashed me up against a wall and covered me with his body. I felt the air fly by me. All I needed to do was reach out my hand and I could of touched that train. I remember thinking to myself how that train was a force to be reckoned with. I remember thinking... there goes my chance.

But what was my chance that I was thinking about? I had a death wish that year. I tried so many times to just walk into a train, walk into a lake fully clothed hoping that the weight of my clothing would drag me down. In taking so many chemicals into my body hoping that I would go to sleep and never wake up. But amazingly enough.. nothing I did to my body or attempted to do ever did the trick. I'm assuming it's because of those higher powers that be. Someone was watching out for me. Someone wanted me alive. But Why?

After the train incident, I graced my Father with my presence. I returned home, flying higher than I had ever been flying before. I think my father was both relieved to see me still alive, and disgusted that I was who I was. I remember it was a sunny day, the birds were singing, dogs were running and playing.. life for most was normal.

The earthquake happened. No one was home when I found out. In my drug induced state I wasn't really sure what took place. My neighbor came over to see how I was, he knew that my Mother resided there. I remember just looking at him, not comprehending what he was talking about. He turned on the television.. as I watched in horror the mass destruction that had or was taking place. Still so much of it is hazy in my memory. So much of what happened is just like a faint memory.

I remember it started out innocently.. him comforting me, I kept trying to call my Mother. I was shaking... he was trying to calm me. Rubbing my back, trying to hug me as we were sitting side by side on the couch, looking at troubling images flash on the screen. Then, he started kissing my neck. I still didn't realize what was taking place. I was in a haze - drug induced haze.

His hands were everywhere it seemed. He pushed me onto my back. He tried to take liberties that I was NOT willing to allow. I remember his hand sneaking up my shirt, his other hand rubbing down my side to my thigh and inching it's way to other areas. As if in a dream sequence, I turned my head, and I recall telling him. If he didn't remove his hands and himself, I would kill him.

There was a heated argument between he and I... I remember the agitation.. I remember my heart rate speeding up. I remember opening the front door, and demanding for him to leave. I remember telling him to never look my way again and to never utter another word to me.

I woke up this morning in a haze.
I still feel like I'm in a haze.
That dream was so life like, so real.
Then again, it was a dream.. it was real...
My mother was fine.. thank God...
She was there, but here apartment wasn't demolished and her and her roommate
lived to talk about it. It actually took 3 days to get ahold of her.

A very long 3 days!

Did I relive it?


Krystal said...

Who knows what triggered it. But I'm glad the train didn't take you. And I'm glad the neighbor didn't either.

The Bizza said...

I agree with Krystal.

Sexxy Luv said...

1st time commentor, thanks for sharing this real life dream I appreciate your writing, even though its hard to write about fu*ked up memories.

Ill be back, thanks for stopping by, ill add you to the blogroll!

deonte' k said...

yES I'm a 1st time reader here too and this was really deep.

Barney said...

thanks Krystal & Bizza...In the long run, Im glad nothing I tried took me too.

Sexxy Luv...
Thanks for stopping in... I've been reading your blog for awhile.just dont comment nearly enough!

Welecome Deonte'k... thanks for stopping in..

I'll stop in your page soon!!!

Weekends Off said...

Oh I really hate dreams that leave me feeling like this one left you. I almost feel betrayed by my brain when I wake up. Sleep should bring you peace, not the other way around.

Sexxy Luv said...


(i think i have the right day....)

I hope you're enjoying the day doing what folks do on there special day....being bossy, and reminding every person you see that is it your BIRTHDAY DAY!!!! :)