Wednesday, June 13, 2007

How to Drop a Deuce at work

HOW TO DROP A DEUCE AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked backin our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK DEUCE Is inevitable. For those who hate crapping at work, the following is theSurvival Guide for taking a deuce at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not inyour area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it camefrom. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop Until the full fart hasbeen expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make Sure the smell has leftyour pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come backagain. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing adeuce in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretendit did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a deuce, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the deuce hits the water.This reduces the amount of air time the deuce has to stink up thebathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET DEUCER: A colleague who deuces at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Deucer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Deucer before entering the bathroom.

DEUCING FRIENDS NETWORK (D. F. N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency deucing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where abouts of Out Of The Closet Deucers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.This will reduce the odds of a deucer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a deuce at work. If this occurs,remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with anFRED ASTAIRE.

FRED ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars That you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall isoccupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the deucer can crap in peace.

WATERMELON: A deuce that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in The toiletwater. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE REED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could Spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Reed makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to deuce when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you aswell as the other bathroom attendees.

17 comments:

Carmel Beauty said...

This was hilarious barney I will def be back thanks for reading my blog part 2 should be up by monday working on it now

Ozfemme said...

Oh my... I wet my pants reading this!! What do I do ABOUT THAT?!?

April said...

I've been thinking of this every time I go into the potty at work since I read this. Thanks Barney..........

Weekends Off said...

ROFLMAO OH my lord Barney this was tooo funny!!!

I'm stealing it!!!

Anonymous said...

Best blog I have read in a long time! Thanks for the laughs and the insight!
~Lisa

Anonymous said...

Or you could just go in there, do what you have to do, courtesy flush, and get your ass back to work instead of worrying about how embarrassing natural body functions are. We all have them and we all must use them. This is one crap that has gone too far.

Anonymous said...

"The Danny O" - After a night of hockey you decide to attend wing night for cheap beer and grotesque hot wings. You enter the office and immediately realize the huge crapper you took at home was not nearly enough to cleanse your system. You rush to the bathroom with total disregard for any previously established deuce protocol. Upon completion of the deed, your office men's room smells like turd, Steel Reserve, and sweaty hockey gear. Don't try to deny it was you! Serves you right for bragging to your co-workers about all your sick top shelf goals in the Shelton men's league.

Anonymous said...

Fuck off fag boy

who u bitch said...

Ima drop a duece on your wifes chest and piss in her face after fucking her till she cant stand it anymore

Anonymous said...

Haha funny stuff. Some honesty at work here

Anonymous said...

losers all of you.

Anonymous said...

Eat a duece biznatches

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Anonymous said...

sick mother effers on this blog.

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Stuff and more stuff said...

A bathroom is a room with a bath (clue in the name)
Lavatory or toilet are better choices.